I am not here

Bismillah

Before starting, I would like to remind you fellow readers (if any) that this is my personal note so that I may refer to it in the future should I experience any Existential Crisis somewhere through this journey. Mind you, whatever that I may mention here are solely based on my point of view and not in any case are posted to hurt anyone.

Here goes.

Source : Tumblr

I am not here

To some, I am an high achiever. For me, I am a dreamer. I have big dreams and plans for the future. I have plans for myself. But this has never been a part of the plan. I mean, being here was not my plan. My plans were to study somewhere else. Somewhere not here, not Ireland and definitely not Cork. However, Allah knows best. Here I am, in Castlewhite, in an apartment shared with complete strangers - yes, I do consider my room mate a total stranger as well despite the fact what we were in the same college - and in a situation I hate the most. I resented the fact that I tried to do everything I could - study hard, obtain good grades - yet nothing is in my control, everything was beyond me. I hated that I felt that it was unfair for me to be getting such good grades (no matter how humble I get, I still think my results were great. Sorry, bear with me) and still not being able to achieve my dreams. I hated that one sole dream that I have from my childhood -I start dreaming at a very early age- was taken away from me. But here I am, half here and half not. I came here with only one reason: 

I shall follow the path that Allah has paved for me and see what the ending will be

Ayah joked about it back home when I complained that no university wanted me in UK. He said to just go to Cork and that maybe I'll meet my life partner here (I noted this down so that I can recall it if it really became a reality). So again I said, I shall follow the plans that Allah had for me. When my agent called and told me that they were going to close my file since I wasn't offered any places in Clearing, I thought that I was able to accept it when I got here. I literally suppressed my tears, put up a brave front and said " Don't worry, you'll be fine". Mak also put good words about Cork, about how beautiful it is from the show Syahadah that she watched. I looked at my seniors' pictures of the city, Dr. Saai's pictures of the university. They were beautiful. Undoubtedly, this place is beautiful. Really it is.

Then again, here I am trying to love. Trying to fall in love with this place so that my first love shall remain my first and not my last so that I'll move on to the next love that is already here for me.

May the love grow in my heart.