The Lost Cause

I'm getting the hang of it. I guess.

This is my rants for today

I don't know why, but I feel that I won't make it.

I have this feeling inside me that I've always suppressed. It is not a healthy one, that is. I feel as though I won't make it through the Medical course. I doubt myself. It is always like this

"Will you really make it, dude? Is this really what you want?"

No, it might not be something that I want, but I don't feel half as bad of doing something that may benefit others and perhaps even myself, if not here then later in the hereafter. I don't have a  particular dream, so I live somebody else's dream. Doesn't sound that bad, eyy?

They make it seem as if Medicine is a hell of a course. So tough you might even hurt yourself by going through it. I know how it is only an exaggeration by the seniors, our Director, but you know how words manipulate people's hearts. Lives are lost because of words. My heart begins to waver, yes. I guess this is the beginning of my questioning:

"Why did I choose this course in the first place? Why did I not change when I had the chance? Will I even make it?"

I've never had these doubts before. NEVER. Never had I ever doubted my capabilities of performing and excelling in my studies. But here it comes. On this very moment, the pinnacle of my depression. 

I started having this doubts on Friday, during Anatomy Practical, at the spot test to be exact. I had no idea of what I was looking at, even with the presence of my partner - who I believe was still hungover from the previous night's party. By the specimens I stood, not knowing what was the name of the bones. I felt STUPID. I did. I wondered if I'll make a good doctor with the qualities that I have. I questioned if I'll ever want to be treated by a person like myself. 

I feel like I've failed my sponsors, parents and the citizens of my country.

Because I am a lost cause.

I am not here

Bismillah

Before starting, I would like to remind you fellow readers (if any) that this is my personal note so that I may refer to it in the future should I experience any Existential Crisis somewhere through this journey. Mind you, whatever that I may mention here are solely based on my point of view and not in any case are posted to hurt anyone.

Here goes.

Source : Tumblr

I am not here

To some, I am an high achiever. For me, I am a dreamer. I have big dreams and plans for the future. I have plans for myself. But this has never been a part of the plan. I mean, being here was not my plan. My plans were to study somewhere else. Somewhere not here, not Ireland and definitely not Cork. However, Allah knows best. Here I am, in Castlewhite, in an apartment shared with complete strangers - yes, I do consider my room mate a total stranger as well despite the fact what we were in the same college - and in a situation I hate the most. I resented the fact that I tried to do everything I could - study hard, obtain good grades - yet nothing is in my control, everything was beyond me. I hated that I felt that it was unfair for me to be getting such good grades (no matter how humble I get, I still think my results were great. Sorry, bear with me) and still not being able to achieve my dreams. I hated that one sole dream that I have from my childhood -I start dreaming at a very early age- was taken away from me. But here I am, half here and half not. I came here with only one reason: 

I shall follow the path that Allah has paved for me and see what the ending will be

Ayah joked about it back home when I complained that no university wanted me in UK. He said to just go to Cork and that maybe I'll meet my life partner here (I noted this down so that I can recall it if it really became a reality). So again I said, I shall follow the plans that Allah had for me. When my agent called and told me that they were going to close my file since I wasn't offered any places in Clearing, I thought that I was able to accept it when I got here. I literally suppressed my tears, put up a brave front and said " Don't worry, you'll be fine". Mak also put good words about Cork, about how beautiful it is from the show Syahadah that she watched. I looked at my seniors' pictures of the city, Dr. Saai's pictures of the university. They were beautiful. Undoubtedly, this place is beautiful. Really it is.

Then again, here I am trying to love. Trying to fall in love with this place so that my first love shall remain my first and not my last so that I'll move on to the next love that is already here for me.

May the love grow in my heart.